My First Lesson in Motherhood

I've officially been a mother for one whole month. If you're reading this and you've been a mom much longer than I have, you're probably wondering what I could possibly have to say about motherhood. But let me tell you, you learn a lot during the first month of taking care of a tiny human day in and day out. Mostly things about yourself.

Yesterday, Harrison turned one month old and I thought to myself, "well, he's still alive." This probably doesn't sound like the most sentimental statement, but let me try to elaborate. After Harrison was born, I kept waiting for my hormones to fall through the roof. If you've read anything about post-partum, then you get what I'm saying. But although I was physically exhausted, I felt great. I thought to myself, "I totally got this mom thing." I read all the books. I, myself, was a nanny and preschool teacher.

But then my son ended up in the NICU, my milk took forever to come in, I had a low supply, we had to start supplementing, he was diagnosed with acid reflux, and I was (am) exhausted. I found myself so frustrated with this little human and frustrated that things weren't going like I had perfectly planned. Then the mom guilt set in. If you haven't heard of it, let me tell you, it's the realest. I found myself bawling my eyes out while feeding my sweet little baby. What kind of mother gets frustrated with such a helpless little human being? What kind of mother has expectations and disappointments for such a tiny person? I felt like the worst, most selfish mother in the world. It all probably sounds dramatic. But if you're a mom, you probably get it. There's no guilt like mom guilt because there's no love like a mother's love.

I have never loved someone like this. So fiercely. Never have I wanted so many wonderful, perfect things for someone. And that's hard, because I'm not perfect. I'll never be a perfect person and I'll never be the perfect mother. This is my first lesson in motherhood and the hardest to accept.

So here's to all the mama's doing the hard stuff day in and day out. A job that's filled with spit up and dirty diapers and sleepless nights without a pat on the back. Here's my virtual hug and high five to you. Accept the much needed grace each new day offers and don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can and that's enough.